mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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