Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize