Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize