Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
