her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize