Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
