if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
