i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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