Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
