if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
