made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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