I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
