Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
