Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
