remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
