who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
