marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
