He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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