Need sex. Gaining weight.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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