first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
