I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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