Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
