I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
