I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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