I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize