How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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