Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
