Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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