plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
