Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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