How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
