Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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