Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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