Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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