I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize