Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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