I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
