Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
