i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
