I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
