I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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