16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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