He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
