So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
