The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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