My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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