You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
