Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Mom said you looked used
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
