rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
