we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
