I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
that is very illegal...i love you.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
