guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
sick fucks of a feather flock together
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
