She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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