He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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