The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
