bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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