I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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