I'm going to jail i love you
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
