Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
