his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
