I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
