i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
