About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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