her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My breasts were aching with rage.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
