I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
