Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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