They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
