mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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